Saturday
16May2009

option after so many reruns

walk your dog for you
so that he may become accustomed to his new yard with all the headstones,
his fiefdom
romp and be happy here



we learned to roller blade here, remember?
laughed so much

bunch them first in small rows and piles of color
symmetrical with extreme order
my situational autism no comfort
what is shrinking should



walk another circle of pavement
come back over you
spread them broader
than your shoulders might be


redo my steps, scuffing the same circle
fan them
cover you
me


rerun the day the day
the seconds
not the flowers
so many flowers

give you pretty things
surprise you still
take your picture

my stuff
you can’t use it even if I say yes

love
not enough
mothering waste

rerun to nowhere

the whole deal

optional

Saturday
02May2009

The Puddle Did It

Jurors clear Kingston woman

in crash that killed Hingham teen

masscard1.JPG

The memorial prayer card passed out at the funeral of Victoria Wightman,

a 16-year-old from Hingham who was killed in a 2006 car crash in Plympton.

By Tamara Race The Patriot Ledger Posted May 02, 2009 @ 03:25 AM


PLYMOUTH —

Jurors have cleared a Kingston woman of motor vehicle homicide in the death of Victoria Wightman, 16, of Hingham. Erin Leith, now 18, lost control of her Oldsmobile Cutlass on Route 106 in Plympton at about 11 a.m. May 16, 2006, after driving through a large puddle.

The car swerved into the path of a minivan driven by Mary Hall of Halifax. Hall and her three children suffered minor injuries. The minivan struck Leith’s car broadside, killing Wightman, who was sitting in the back seat, and critically injuring Jackie Lane of Pembroke and Priscilla Beliveau of Plympton, both 18. Leith suffered serious injuries.

“It was the right verdict,” defense attorney Stephen Jones said Friday. “She was completely and entirely innocent. This was obviously a horrible tragedy, but it was an accident. Erin Leith and her family’s thoughts and prayers have always been with the Wightmans.”

Jurors heard closing arguments Friday and were left to determine whether Leith’s speed or a large puddle in a defective roadway caused Wightman’s death.

“We would not be here, but for that puddle,” Jones said. “This was an accident, not criminal negligence.”

Victoria Wightman’s mother, Lucy Wightman, said Friday she had little faith in the authorities who investigated the case.

“It’s hard to believe the puddle killed a 16-year-old girl, but not anyone else,” she said. “I’m glad it’s over for Erin. I’m sorry she had to put her life on hold for so long. But it’s not over for me. It’s never added up, and it doesn’t add up now, but nothing will bring her back.”

Jones said a state police accident expert based his speeding conclusion on witnesses who testified they were ‘guessing’ at Leith’s speed. But Assistant District Attorney Jessica Healy said it was excessive speed, not the puddle that killed Wightman. Even if the exact speed could not be determined, several witnesses testified Leith was driving too fast. One witness estimated her speed at 45 to 50 mph. The limit is 40 mph on that section of Route 106.

Healy said Leith had been driving in rainy conditions all morning and should have known there would be puddles and slick roads.

Tamara Race may be reached at trace@ledger.com.

Wednesday
22Apr2009

The Night in November 2007

111107_18191.jpg

Saturday
18Apr2009

dreamtime

her leaving.

it brought many things in its

taking away.

a desperate thirst for dreamtime, be it love, death or both,

it hung, a colossal canvas, wet,

once stretched and ready for more layers of color.

too precarious to reach its watery belly, an inverted breast.

suspended between the thinnest bamboo shoots

as you were, my sprout.

tears replenishing fresh like wind

canvas fibers heaving, bloated.

begging.

to please make the dense hollow whole, warm.

hold me in my waking my sleeping

then tell me both times that you did

and how my damage is not your fear.

It was not a lot to dream.

For a woman who stopped dreaming.

Tuesday
24Mar2009

Wishless Candles

The tiny flame is not to guide anyone home that is no longer at this home.

It is not some beacon for the non-existent, the as if.

I will no longer light a candle and wait and wish for what isn’t.

There is no ritual for what will not change, or who will not.

No more candles for magic.

I will light a candle for what was. For what is gone. For what is not coming back.

I learned this tonight. There are two candles. For 2.

Candles for letting go. Grown-up candles.

 

 

Friday
13Mar2009

Torri Wightman March 24, 1990


Sunday
15Feb2009

Speak Out: 'A Cathartic Quest'

Anger, pain and hope mark journey as mother sorts through ‘ugly possibilities’ behind her daughter’s death.

COMMENTARY - Lucy Wightman

The Patriot Ledger
Posted Feb 14, 2009 @ 06:00 AM
Last update Feb 14, 2009 @ 08:31 PM
QUINCY —

Google “baby book” and you will see well over 1 million hits. I am not a baby book expert, judge or critic but the importance of the project is naturally understood. Its contents are often in a bound book that fills with markers of new life and bulges in a forgotten closet. Crafted chronologically using glue, tape, staples and folds, ingredients vary but typically include photographs, vignettes, handwritten dates, hair tufts and colorful tags made by the loving hands of maternity nurses. Some more eccentric creations might include a tooth or dried umbilical cord. We do not tell a mother she is wrong for telling the story in whatever manner she likes.

Stories are intrinsic and reflexive to humans. It is how we know and how we remember. I dismantled a baby book once because its collection of memories was too crowded and the damage too lonely. Torri will not have her baby book, but as I continue to mother my only child past her impossible death, I will have her death story.

Senior investigative producer Kristen Setera called over one year ago from WCVB to tell me about a report showing that the Plympton area had the worst trauma response record in the state. Initially I could not see the relevance but in time her information motivated me and gave me direction.

In requesting records from Plympton, I was desperate for truth where it could be found. Living under a weight of nightly concoctions, attempting to replace and reorder the missing pages, I was ready for the facts. Friendly enough interchanges with Chief David Rich had promise but what was rightfully mine never arrived.

I did not take lightly the decision to make a complaint. The tragedy belongs not only to me, but also to those who, standing in rain and gasoline, worked to save young lives. Calling into question any individual who will never forget that day was not my purpose. Having any one responder feel that they could have done more was not my intention.

Renee Lake is the compliance coordinator at the Office of Emergency Management who I commended for her humanity and professionalism before the report arrived to me in the mail. Its findings took my breath away: Citing Plympton Fire Department for failure to assess, resuscitate and transport a patient.

The death story, now changed, replete with ugly, helpless possibilities, has as its author an unconscionable man. Legal advice notwithstanding, Chief Rich’s lack of memory regarding the end of a sparkling, thriving teenage life is viscerally disturbing. I will not accept that my only child’s life was so dismissed, so insignificant that a person in this authority does not recall covering her beautiful, perfect, bloodied face with a sheet. Or how it was she came to be called “dead.” If indeed there is such deep memory loss I do not know how he can be in charge of any emergency response at all.

Torri’s will certainly not be the last premature, violent, senseless death in the Plympton area. If during my selfish grief-driven quest, I can gift myself the opportunity to prevent anything resembling my pain, in a parent, a victim or a responder I am grateful. In doing so, a sprightly, lanky girl with changeable blue-green eyes lives on, if only in story.

Lucy Wightman writes from Hull.

Thursday
12Feb2009

Patriot Ledger Comments and the Fabulous Larry Sellers et al

whynot2

why didn’t he check? That is my question too!! why wasnt’t the ambulance called? OMG.. I know it cost like 500 for them just to come out of the garage…but -so what.. Its a life here!! .why didn’t they call them them to come? I would be beyond angry… I hear that mothers plea…sad , sad story..I am so sorry for your loss…hopefully it is not because of a crooked person in your town or something

 

Larry Sellers

It’s obvious that the only reason this is coming to light is because someone is suing someone else. I find it hard to believe that there wasn’t ‘obvious signs of death’ before someone had the decency to cover this poor girls body. The ‘mother’ of this young victim should be ASHAMED of herself for putting the firefighters and EMT’s through this. No where does it state that a trained and licensed EMT has to perform CPR on a victim that has ‘obvious signs’ that death has occurred…I don’t think there’s any need to list them here . A simple review of an autopsy report can avoid having to drag these people through the mud. I’m sure the incident will not be forgotten by all those involved. Let this poor innocent child rest in peace!

deez

an ambulance was at the scene and transported the injured people.

o2fishmore

I agree with Sellers. Why is it that there is no longer anything called an accident. What in the name of God does this woman hope to gain? These people put themselves in harms way, just by the nature of what they see every day. Maybe this mom should have been more careful about who her daughter was riding with. Is she also suing the weatherman? the parents of the driver? the driver of the other vehicle? the men who poured the hot top on the road….etc…
Maybe next time there won’t be any first responders because they’ve all been sued out of work.

smokeyjoe

The issue here is the failure to complete proper documentation. Without the documentation there is no way to accurately say what action was or wasn’t taken at the scene.

caraj191

If I remember correctly this was Lucy Wightman’s only child . No one can fathom the pain of losing a child unless you have been through it yourself. What ever gives you solace Lucy .

TiaMarie

I think a mother deserves answers. She filed a Complaint — not a lawsuit. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to save her daughter, but without those important reports, apparently she will never know…how sad.

Spring-Heeled-Jack

I remember Princess Cheyanne. God bless you Lucy!

mrfward

The process is in place for a reason, and I think that this mother has every right to file a complaint since her daughter was killed. I guess she had a point since there were some issues and if a law suit comes of it, that is also her right. I am very greatful to all the public safety officials work but they are not above scrutiny. next door joe 1 week ago

Why wasn’t ambulances from neighboring Kingston, Pembroke or Halifax summonsed for this accident. Why were Ambulances called to come from Plymouth and Weymouth. 45 minutes away.
i’ll tell you why, b/c Chief rich works for AMR Ambulance. That really sucks for the wrightman family.

CARL_S

As other commentators have said, the mother lost her child and has a right to know what kind of care her child recieved, and the paperwork is also a way for the mother to try to come to grips on what happened.

The EMT’s I’ve run into do a great job, but all the mother is asking for is for proper documentation, which she is entitled to.

HotHandRand

Ms. Wightman, if I am correct, practiced psychology without a license. She could have killed someone indirectly/or even directly by her actions. Not that it changes what happened to her daughter, and for that we should all feel sad. However, that horse well out of the barn, she has now created another problem. The EMTs and Chief that were out there, doing the BEST THAT THEY CAN in a situation, are now in trouble. Everyone expects perfection today….keep it up folks…not being satisfied. This is just another case that will cause a lot more potentially good Health Care, and Public Safety people to take a walk. These people risk enough in harms way. Now we want to go after their assets too. Thats what this will boil down to later, trying to take what someone who didnt even commit a crimes money….Its all about the deepest or actually whoevers pockets can be emptied. Why bother doing anything for humanity!!!! Sadly probably every EMT there and the Chief would give up quite a bit more willfully if they could change all of what happened. This is sad all the way around!!!!

JudgeHardin

where is phelan 09 to blame it on tom koch?

YellowDog

First off who the hell are all you morons to question this mother who lost her daughter.the chief really ‘SCREWED UP HERE’And to all you people who lack brain’s that work,look up a case in NYC where the first ambulance crew JUST LOOKED at a women and said dud she’s DEAD.thank god the MOTHER called a diff. ambulance service and guess what .they did the CORRECT thing and checked for vitals signs.and guess what..Yes she did have vitals…and this women LIVED.So hey Larry sellers this blows your ‘obvious signs’ idea. my suggestion is to STRIP all those ‘EMTS’ at the scene as they need SERIOUS RETRAINING(Hope I never get hurt in that town your as good as dead)Hope the mother gets a Good Lawyers and sues them for millions.and to the morons I worked as EMT for 22years on the Job.In this day and age NO ONE CALLED AND AMBULANCE WHAT A SHAME FOR HER TO DIE>

YellowDog

MAKES ME SICK JUST READING THAT STORY OF THAT POOR CHILD.AND ESP. THE STUPID RESPONCES.ALL THE PEOPLE READY TO SHOOT DOWN THE MOTHER IF THAT WAS YOUR DAUGHTER IN THAT CAR.BUT YOULL CHANGE YOUR TUNE…..HUH…..SHAME,SHAME,SHAME ON ALL THE PEOPLE AT THAT SCENCE WHO FAILED THAT GIRL.

Ken Berma

This is what happens when you have a volunteer Fire Department. The town needs to protect it’s citizens with REAL firefighters. I’m not saying the men who responded are bad guys, they obviously care or they wouldn’t volunteer. But I don’t want a mechanic coming to the rescue. And I don’t want a firefighter fixing my car. God bless the family who lost a child.

lboogie77

wow….it’s hard to comment on this story, I mean if that poor child had a chance at survivng….man, someone has a lot of explaining to do. I will never ever underestimate the medical professionsla, but someone needs to admit that they messed up. This poor mother, regardless of what she has done in her past or if this is her only child or fourteenth, this woman has unanswered questions and she is doing what needs to be done in order to get them answered. So sorry for the loss of that child and I am so sorry that the medics are being dragged through the mud. Let’s hope that they all learn from this….

fatman

next door joe you need to read the article a little closer. No where in the article does it say that a weymouth or plymouth ambulance was called.
‘According to the state report, Plymptons town ambulance was dispatched at 11:02 a.m. and arrived at the accident at 11:09 a.m. An ambulance from the American Medical Response medical service was dispatched from the fire department at 11:09 a.m. and arrived at 11:15.’
Both response times seem appropriate to me. The chief certainly double checked what he was told and assured that all of the proper reports had been filed according to state regulations. I feel for the mother and her loss but by dragging this out in the courts to get some money isn’t going to change the fact that her daughter was killed.

YellowDog

TO….O2fishmore……….WOW what college stole your money…..dumbest thing Ive read here ever …These people put themselves in harms way…WOW thats soooo sad huh…what a tough Job they have my goodness Harmes way huh….tell me were they FORCED to take that job…ahhh NOPE….Did they know what the job was about ..ah..duh I hope so…and you go so low as to BLAME the mother of the girl who Died…pick her friends ….go climb under a rock you lowlife…

fatman

Typo in my previous comment I meant to say the cheif should have double checked everything the EMT’s on the scene did and said they did.

YellowDog

to hothandrand………….this is the BEST THEY CAN DO TO SAVE LIFES…..GUESS WHAT THEY DID NOT DO THEIR JOB CORRECTLY..expects perfection huh WOW DID YOU THINK HARD ABOUT THAT DUMB COMMENT…..BEFORE YOU TYPED IT…….THEY DIDNT DO THEIR JOB….PERIOD!!! LOOK UP THE LAWS REGUARDING EMTS ….read MGL-CHAPTER 111C,SECTION13…….READ WHAT THEY DIDNT DO……..

Taxpayer99

Ken Berma…..unfortunatly I believe you to be 100% correct concerning Call Fire Depts.
Its not that they’re bad guys or intentionally careless. I just believe in this day and age, The Town is responsible to provide adequate public safety ie: professionals.

next door joe

To Fat Man: The papers don’t always get the whole story.
The inside and real story is an AMR truck came from the Weymouth/Quincy line. 45 min later arrived to take Mom and Her kids to the Hosp.
Haven’t you ever read a paper before man?

Larry Sellers

Sorry, you should take responsibility for your actions. Don’t make a very BAD decision and then blame those who try and help.

Taxpayer99

Lazy union guy…..for the last time….get out of your momma’s basement and do something with yourself.
You know and I know you aren’t in the union….nor do you even hold a job.

Your a middle aged, most likely divorced at least once, have a couple of kids your on the hook for, got kicked out of the service, failed all your Civil Service exams, now, maybe if your lucky you can pick up a security guard shift overnight, because the full time Guard banged out.
Am I pretty close Lazy one?
Talk about a bum.
And…….. I am glad to know you hold the toll collectors unions above firemen

Ken Berma

lazyunionguy,

You would cry like a little girl if you were in a burning building. Thank God you flunked the civil service exam.

PhatMike

Plympton runs 1 BLS ambulance, AMR is contracted and provides 1 ALS truck to Plympton (Plympton M1) which runs out of Plympton the second ambulance came from Plympton not Plymouth or Weymouth

Joanne Brown

To those of you expressing your support and sympathy to Lucy I want to say thank you. To some others I’d like to say to stay on topic. To o2fishmore I think you are an ass but hey you are not the only one. And yes if my Mother was alive I could say that to her at the dinner table.

YellowDog

Hey Chiefy remember DAY ONE EMT Training..Document,Document,Document to cover yourself in court..NO Reports..WOW ..1st year law stedent could win this case against you and your TOWN….MALFEASENCE..To Mr Moron Oh I mean HOTHANDRAND…practiced psychology without a license Mr Moron Wow you looked up and found some legal issues the mother had in the past and you have the goll to dig that up and share it with the readers….That has NOTHING TO DO WITH HER DAUGHTER DIEING….Look go in the bathroom and look in the mirror and just keep saying ‘I AM A MORON JUST OVER AND ONER.YOU SHOULD BEG THAT MOTHER FOR FORGIVNESS TO WHAT A MORON YOU ARE…what in the hell does your dumb statement have to do w/her daughter being killed….TO Joanne Brown I don’t know you But I am glad she has your support …Keep up the good work. I have prayed for her and her angel..God Bless……

wongzilla

As any EMT or medical professional knows IF IT WAS NOT DOCUMENTED IT NEVER HAPPENED! the chief f@!#ed up royally. He now needs to live with the choice he made and possiblely a death he caused you never take someone elses assesement you do your own. The mother has every right to question treatment. My prayers for her and her family. For those who queston EMTs and firefighters I dont see you doing thier job I have been a EMT FOR 15 years and RN for 10.I also started out as a volunteer EMT and in some parts of this country that is all they have. Even ambulance transport is volunteer. most of these agencies are supported through public and private donations. I would rather have someone who volunteers then some one who dose it just as a job. for those who wonder how this happens I would like to see you on scene with multiple injuries,vehicles,traffic control, scene safety and gawker control most of the time the FD and EMTs are first on scene before PD and need to deal with this. Dont condem thoes that you have not walked in thier shoes.

RoVaut

I am a Plympton resident with a 16-year-old child at Silver Lake. My child is learning to drive and hopes to get his license in about 6 months. I know how many hours of class and driving time are spent trying to prepare children to drive independantly, but this accident serves as a stark reminder that it isn’t enough. Drivers are being prepared for a world in which everyone else obeys the rules of the road, conditions are perfect, and the belief that as long as the driver is sober and focused only on driving, there is nothing that can hurt you. That world sadly does not exist.

I would like to comment on the actual reporting of the article. I am disappointed in the tone of the article. The reporter took the report of the State Office of Medical Service that criticized the Plympton Fire Department’s paperwork and reporting system, and used it to make a judgement of the on-site care that was provided to the victims of this terrible tragedy. That to me is not acceptable. This issue is about paperwork. It is great to make a law stating that all reports must be 100% complete and accurate, but the reality is that in this line of work, all EMT’s (regardless of full-time, part-time or call/volunteer status) behave professionally, save every life they can, treat every injury in order of severity. God help us if our world values perfect paperwork before lifesaving hands-on care. I wonder if the State asked the other girls in the car their opinion of the care they got.

stevefo

way to go ‘lazyunionguy’ make up a moronic name like you have and try to make the world believe you are a union member.and then come up with idiotic comments like the ones you made.YA MORON

stevefo

sad to say there are only losers in this whole accident. mistakes happen in life. let the girl rest in peace and move on with life. my sympathies are also with the driver of the car and her family. she will live with this for the rest of her life. i speak from experience

Joanne Brown

And how is it that a Mother just says mistakes happen and moves on with her life without her child? Especially when her daughter was taken in this way. And with the ‘mistakes’ that occured on the scene of this accident how do you just let them go? I would think people would want these errors looked into to prevent what could be future deaths. I hope Torri has found peace and I know that if she were here she would back her Mother up all the way on pursuing what needs to be addressed!!!

To YellowDog.. peace be with you. ;)

blogmog

What upsets me most about this ‘accidental’ oversight/ absence of documentation is the following:

1) The absence of any documented action by caregivers who assessed or assisted the girl who was killed allows for the possibility that there was, in fact, no assessment or assistance administered. Was she possibly overlooked because she ‘appeared’ dead? The family deserves to know. That possibility is profoundly disturbing. Teenagers don’t just ‘die’—their hearts can beat for hours despite mortal wounds, and their hearts can stop with trauma and restart with appropriate management. It needs to be known what was done at the scene to verify death. A glance doesn’t cut it. What if the fire chief misheard? or the off-duty EMT was talking about another of the unconscious girls in the car?

2) The possibility that Torri Wightman was alive at the scene, but died from neglect, is not only profoundly disturbing, but allows for even more of the responsibility for her death to be deflected from the driver’s shoulders—where it clearly lies. The timing of this complaint can only help Ms. Leith dodge more accountability. Apart from the her negligence in skipping school and corraling her friends to join in without enforcing a seatbelt rule in her car, it is quite simple to show if speeding was a factor by dividing the distance from Torri’s school to the accident scene, and dividing it by the travel time from pick up to the crash. I am sure that there are phone texts/calls or classmates that could offer these. Any efforts to distract from these facts seems an effort in behalf of Ms.Leith’s defense team.

3) Is it certain that no report was written? Or has it somehow gone missing ‘by accident’? Should the charges of vehicular manslaughter be dropped? Maybe it wasn’t Ms Leith’s dangerous driving that is at fault…but the abscence of any intervention at the scene? This missing report opens up a whole panacea of distractions to the real issue here.

I am sorry for the victims in the car that day—and their families. Their children deserved to receive the best care available——whether they ‘appeared’ living or not. The suggestion that they didn’t get that, or that they didn’t ‘look’ like they would benefit from any, is just callous and disturbing.

johnny_moore

If my child were killed in an acciedent and the response from the fire chief was , Gee, I don’t remember looking at her???’ I’d be pretty pissed off as well. Sound like a responder looked in the vehicle saw a mess and decided the kid was dead and covered her with a sheet.

Theres no record of what they saw, said Renee Lake, the state offices compliance coordinator. Thats the whole point of this (report). We are unable to determine what she (Wightman) looked like, or anything.

PhatMike

What happened is most definitely an awful tragedy. And it is easy for people to sit and throw stones, wongzilla is correct they say ’ Dont condem thoes that you have not walked in thier shoes.’ Should this have been more properly documented, most likely. I am sure rescue crews were faced with a horrific scene that night. There are also things to take into consideration did the accident scene justify calling an MCI Was an MCI called? And although this was not a big enough incident to necessarily justify it it is OEMS protocol that in an MCI incident when multiple patients are present and many different agencies become involved, you triage the patients , black red, yellow, green black being defined as Deceased or live patients with obvious fatal and non-resuscitatable injuries. And in a large scale MCI when you transport patients you bring them into the emergency room and leave to go back to the scene if needed you are not required to document those patients. What happened is in fact awful and my heart goes out to the Family’s of all involved but for everyone else dont be so quick to judge these rescuers you have no idea what they face.

blogmog

What is an MCI and and OEMS? I am not judging the workers there. I do understand that these scenes can be chaotic. I witnessed an accident once and pulled over after calling 911. As I was being questioned by police, I heard an EMT shout ‘there’s another fatality in the black sedan.’ From this I presumed there were at least two deaths. I learned in the paper the next day that there were no deaths at all.

From what I know of this accident in 2006, the girl who was killed did not go to any emergency room. The Kingston Observer posted pictures of the crash-site showing the girl covered in a sheet hours later. It was horrific to do that, and worse still to consider now that maybe that sheet was the only attention received. Unless the off duty EMT was running around with a stethoscope and pen light to check hearts and pupils before the Fire Chief arrived? In that case, maybe he could report now what he assessed? SOMEONE at the scene needs to come forth with this data—document or not. If noone can do this, then this is truly a heartbreaking consideration for her family and friends.

PhatMike

Sorry, MCI is Mass Casualty or Multiple Casualty Incident, and OEMS is The Office Of Emergency Medical Services the agency that oversees all MA ambulances. MCI being any incident where The number of sick and injured patients exceeds the resources available, and help must be brought in from other agencies ect. From another article I have read There were 8 patients which in a small town such as Plympton could potentially be a small scale MCI.

CVaut

I live near the actual accident scene. I was home that day and I can tell you there were multiple ambulances waiting in my driveway and surrounding area waiting to transport victims. As soon as someone was able to be moved from the vehicle they were loaded into a truck and transported to the hospital. I watched the police and fire work the scene…..I can tell you personally they worked extremely hard on those victims and tried to save every person. As far as paperwork goes….well I dont have any idea how the town handled that. I can tell you that the car accident scene was very intense and those responders whether paid or volunteer tried their hardest to save lives.

I am very sorry for the loss of this family. I witnessed that Mom at the crash scene for m

onths. Nobody can question the pain and suffering that she is going thru. Nobody should have to bury a child.

We all try to raise our children to make smart decisions and to use good judgement. The teenagers made a mistake that day by skipping school and had the bad luck of getting into an accident. I am sure that those girls if given the chace would turn back the clock and stay in school for the day.

I do wonder tho….the mom worked as a phsychologist without proper paperwork. (license) Ironic that now she is on the receiving end of possible incomplete or proper paperwork.

blogmog

lol CVaut. you must be very angry at her to include that zinger in the last line of your (seamingly) empathic post. Makes me wonder if you even live near the scene, or if you just made all that up so you could get your knocks in. I hope when/if you ever lose a child that you are able to be met by kindness from others, and not slammed every chance they get. If we were all judged by strangers on our worst moments or decisions—be they the decision to leave school on a whim, or to begin work so as not to be in school when our only child is a toddler, or to take a cheap shot at a mourning mother, then what a skewed perspective people would have of us. You should be ashamed at your lack of restraint.

CVaut

Blog mog……I am not angry with the mom at all. I feel very badly for her and everything that she has gone thru. I just added that comment at the end because it is ironic about the paperwork piece of it. I personally dont know the family, dont care what she does for a living. People do what they need to do to support their family and it is their decision completely. I didnt write a comment on here to ‘get my knocks in’ as you put it. If you think that the case…..well thats your issue.

I think that there is more to this story than the reporter writes. There is more to the situation with the kids, more to the mom and more to the fire dept. angle. We are not involved directly with the investigation or these families so we honestly dont know all the details. Nobody can make an informed decision on it without all the pieces of information. Unless you can see all the reports and documentation, interview all the people at the scene and review all the details it is impossible for people reading a newspaper to know what happened.

RoVaut

Are you serious Blogmog? Did you actually hope that CVaut (and myself, btw) lose a kid so that she can see what the mother feels like?

As to her last line, I suspect that what she meant was that some of those that use the services of Psychologists may be in immediate danger themselves. People might be shocked to find out that not all patients getting therapy are there for ADD.

blogmog

RV and CV—No, I didn’t actually hope that for you. That would be cruel. I hoped kindness for you if such awfulness ever happend. I think you misread.

But I want to ask you about your thoughts on much more going on that day…… I am guessing you are on County Road. Did you go to the crash site that day? Was that your sense of what you observed? Did anyone interview you about what you heard/ saw? I do wonder what kind of investigation took place afterward—or how thorough it was….

CVaut

Blogmog I dont know what questions you would like me to answer……but I will try. I did walk down when I heard the sirens and saw ambulance and police near my driveway. Most of the neighborhood was out there. I didnt get interviewed……who would interview me? These people were working the crash site and trying to help the people injured. I didnt hear or see the crash…..so I had nothing to give for information about the crash. If anyone were to ask what I witnessed, this is what I would have said…..I saw police and fire rescue personnel working extremely hard to get to the victims in the cars. They seemed to be very careful about moving them. I will say that it was a very fast paced environment with lots of movement from responders to both cars. I later learned that one of the girls had a broken back or neck (cant remember which) so I imagine it was critical that they moved her very carefully. I saw multiple ambulances waiting for these girls to be taken to the hospital. There was no time that they were waiting for transportation to the hospital. I saw the mom and her children that were in the minivan. They were off to the side and being treated by rescue people and then loaded into an ambulance and were taken away. I saw police, fire and investigators measuring and taking pictures, etc. I am sure there was a thorough investigation as far as that goes. I have no idea what paperwork was filed but it looked to me that the investigation was very thorough. I saw the police keeping people and media away. They made sure that they were not allowed in to take photos until everyone was treated and the scene was investigated.

I know that it was raining alot that time of year. I know that there was water on lots of roads in Massachusetts. I have personally hydroplaned and know that it is a scary feeling to lose control of your car. I was lucky when it happened to me that there was nobody coming the other way and that I didnt go off the road. These poor girls were not that lucky. It was an accident from what I can tell. My heart goes out to all of them. This will be something that has changed their lives forever. From what I saw….the rescue personnel responded in a professional manor and did the very best they could with the situation at hand. As far as where the ambulances came from or when called, etc…..I have no idea. All I know is they were there waiting to transport. As far as paperwork being filed and completely filled out…..I have no idea. I did see people treating victims, I saw people measuring and taking photographs…..I saw them not open the road back up until they felt that the information gathering was done.

I also got to see the town police and fire respond to two other crises in this area. One was a house fire……and the other was a propane tanker crash. I saw them work no less and no more at either of these two scenes than at this car accident. I witnessed these people work as hard as physically possible at all three. I saw these people risk their own lives at the fire and at the propane crash. I know that I can honestly say that I am proud of the men and women that Plympton has working these scenes. They do their best-I cant ask for any more than that. Now that is my observation…….I can only speak for myself. Hope that helped with some of your questions.

blogmog

Thanks. It does make sense the way you explain it that it really doesn’t matter if the ambulances got there 2 or 7 minutes apart…since it probably took much longer than that to remove the kids and dismantle the car so they could get at them. It just seems really odd that in almost 3 years since the accident noone noticed until the mother did, that the form about her daughter wasn’t completed. I just can’t imagine that in the days/ weeks after the accident the fire chief (or prosecutor or whoever) didn’t notice it wasn’t there. It makes me think it went missing.

Even now, submitting it after the fact would be important to do. It is very understandable and even forgiveable—given what you describe—that filling out a paper was overlooked. But it is horrible to think a kid could have been overlooked…especially since, unlike all the others, she wasn’t transported to a hospital that day.

I hope the images of that day are fading for you. It must have been awful to see. You might know this, but the girl who broke her back in the crash recovered with the help of rods/ braces /rehab and did not suffer any paralysis— a reflection of appropriate rescue efforts at the scene.

Lucy Wightman

It is up to me to grieve.
It is up to me to determine what that looks like.
It is up to me, and me only, to choose the data I need.
it is up to me to choose life.

Only I know my life.
I alone am keeper of my own facts.
Only I feel the heart inside of me.
I alone am responsible for what of that I show, tell or don’t.

Those of you who presume to know the life of me, and my daughter without knowing me I will forgive. Forgetting the hurt is more difficult. You would want understanding and openess to being known in truth.

Those of you who are self-righteously attached to your memories and weave them into full stories, I understand and I will work to forgive.

Those of you who are so black and white, grandiose, and pretend to be god, I pity.

Those of you who find it so easy to hide your cowardly faces behind fake names because you wish to lash out with no consideration for hearts and souls I seethe against and will wish to forgive.

Those of you who do not walk in my shoes should beg for forgiveness from whatever god you speak with.

For those who are too lazy to ask questions and remain curious I am sorry.

For those of you who love, who care, and who were there I am so crippled by your pain and I will continue to think of you each and every day I live on this hellish planet and wish for you to heal and move on as I know you can.

This was my baby girl who came from my body. There are so many others like me. I therefore reserve the right to stop now so that I may continue to aspire to their level of grace.


Lucy Wightman

And if I may say how honored I am to read the reasonable, kind words of love and care and consideration. It is because of this kind of stranger empathy that I know it is worth staying. I hope someday to become a positive contributor to life and then make your words worthwhile.

Wednesday
07Jan2009

I See

Now.  I see where my place was.  Your torn face in the crook of my arm.

Your blue lips closed by a mother’s soft hand.

Your hair made pretty again.

The white fingers pryed from the door handle by my whispers.

Your fright made into our endless laughter.

The blue sneaker coaxed back over your foot.

The bag zipped with care not to harm you.

A promise to say our goodbyes but not to one another.

I know.  I know.

You are not coming home.

 

Monday
05Jan2009

Erin Leith and the Runaway Bunny

One day maybe yesterday or was it some other day?  I spent two hours with one blue, one green, one clear and one pink pushpin in a portable watercolor dish.  I also had some small perfectly square sticky notes.  I walked Winkle and photographed the pushpins and squares.  Although I lost the blue one right away.

The in some other near but non-descript time block, I found myself painting golf balls black, gold, and silver. Expanding into some wild mania I got out the 3-D paint and glitter.  Then I understood more my need to find lost balls.  I am a lost ball.

Prior to or maybe not, I took a mealy looking orange of sorts along with us on our walk.  I tried to throw it and shoot it moving but I only got smears of snow.  Eventually the darn thing split its fibrous contents from behind the pimply callous of an orange skin.

There was another scheduled event.  That was learning about compression and artifacts.  And the ongoing project of course… understanding lint and how quickly it moves back to its place on the floor.

Moving forward as they say.  Or is it?  Tomorrow, 965 days after Torri was riding in Erin Leith’s car, a girl she barely knew, 965 days after she hung out with the “older girls” and skipped school for the first and last time, 965 days after the carpet spun up to meet me, wet and pierced with guts, I will learn what happened that day.

Evidence, statements, crash constructions, Mary Hall in her minivan, puddles, aortas, pictures… all in distinctly ruddy orange folders loosely bound by gray elastic cannot be known until a trial is set to begin.  I am a mother whose every cell misses its heart, second to second sometimes.  Nights I can hear them wandering in fast rushes, lost inside no definition, unable to sound even disabling and useless echoes. 

The Runaway Bunny is a true little square story about a mother who never stops looking, who will go anywhere to find her Runaway Bunny and never gives up, thus offering eternal and reciprocal reassurance.  My child, your child, they are, we are, the only relationship that exists where we are literally part of the other.  If you are not a mother, forgive me, you cannot approach the feeling of what this is.  If your child is alive, so are your cells and you have not felt the screams.

The cells do a nice job of not forgetting. I do not want memories, which is maybe why I do things like paint golf balls.  Too clearly formed is the imaginary memory of the minutes leading up to and through 11:03 am on May 16 2006, Tuesday.  It is a constant burning in hell moment to moment why why why in dizzying circles until there I am back on the sea foam green gut wailing carpet.   

The Ken Savage Blog entries that Torri wrote under the name “BZ” are unreadable to me but I can remember them from posting them here.  They tell me where we were, where she was, both together having just arrived on the precipace of friendship, away from separation chaos.  Torri knew me.  She would know about pushpins and square papers on snowy days, tossed oranges and lint and shutters.  She worried and kept herself busy away from the worry.  Then we would co-construct our story to make it better.  Not this time.

Time ended, but before this it had been stolen by salacious, overdetermined material compressed into itself.  Its artifacts were lies grouped together by a small group of people, many very sick people, for their own unforgiveable gain.  They were the wayward, ruinous pixels of an otherwise good thing.  Hearing lie after lie, and transparent cliche lines about children, a virtual three-ring circus showcase for blossoming patholoy, its scent thicker than a funeral home.  My time with her was stolen before it ended.   I always thought someone would give it back to me.

If she had seen me in shackles her heart would have broken in different pieces.  It was already breaking in ways no 15 year old’s heart knows how. Had time not ended, maybe I would have smiled a little, or turned it into an event like conquering lint, making time matter, showing how resilience counts. A story for us to age against.

Erin is a daughter.  Maybe I will become very angry about Erin Leith’s part in time ending.  Maybe not.  Her trial begins on Thursday in Plymouth.

Tuesday
23Dec2008

Chad Hirtle

On December 18th I received an email that will not leave me, along with the obvious weight of the season. If I were in the position I was once in, i.e. having a viable life/career I would very much offer assistance to the family left behind… Without sharing with you the name of the person writing the email (since the person wrote me not the website), here is the message…

Was your child in the car wreck in 2006? If so, my <<relative/friend>> seen it he was supposed to go to court next month. but after seening that and helping get everyone out of the cars he started haveing night mares drinking and so on. he took his own life sept 23 in eastbridgewater leaveing a wife and 3 kids one with downs.so i am sad to say he wont be there to help you. our prayes and thoughts are with all involed.my best <<dear person>>

 

Wednesday
19Nov2008

Astronaut Steve Bowen

By Jack Encarnacao

The Patriot Ledger

bowen111808.JPG

AP Photo/NASA TV In this image from NASA TV, astronaut Stephen Bowen maneuvers down the cargo bay of the space shuttle Endeavour as he prepares to assist astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper in placing an empty nitrogen tank into the shuttle’s cargo bay, Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008.

jennapic-wihr.jpg

Jenna Atturio, niece of Cohasset-born astronaut Steve Bowen, who died at age 20 during liver transplant surgery. Bowen brought a card from Atturio’s funeral Mass with him into space.

masscard1-wihr.jpg

The memorial prayer card passed out at the funeral of Victoria Wightman, a 16-year-old from Hingham who was killed in a 2006 car crash in Plympton. Cohasset-born astronaut Steve Bowen brought the card with him into space. CREDIT: Lucy Wightman SLUG: “Wightman Mass Card”


HANOVER —

They call themselves “The Hill People,” the families of people who died young, died before their time, and are buried on a hill in Hanover Cemetery.

It was on that hill, at her daughter’s grave site, that Lucy Wightman met astronaut Steve Bowen’s family. Victoria Wightman, 16, was killed in a car crash in 2006, about six months after Bowen’s niece, 20, died during liver transplant surgery.

It happens that way on the hill – surviving families getting to know each other during visits and finding a special bond.

“We understand each other,” said Wightman, who lives in Hull.

Which is why Bowen, a Cohasset native, did not hesitate to accept a request that he take into space this week a photograph of Victoria Wightman on a memorial card that was passed out at her funeral. On Tuesday, Bowen stepped out of the shuttle Endeavor in the first space walk of the mission.

“He had it in the pocket of his space suit,” Wightman said. “If Torri were alive, she’d get quite a kick out of it.”

Bowen launched from Cape Canaveral, Fla., on Friday and arrived at the International Space Station Sunday.

He also brought another memorial prayer card up with him. On it is a picture of his niece, Jenna Atturio, who died during a liver transplant just before Christmas in 2005, said Jenna’s mother, Nancy Atturio of Hanover, who returned to the South Shore on Tuesday after watching the launch of the shuttle Endeavour that carried her brother into space.

“It’s a personal thing,” Atturio said. “It’s just something he did for us as a favor.”

The items he carried aren’t all somber. Bowen also brought up a CD of music performed by another of his nieces – Nancy’s oldest daughter – and her band.

“They think it’s the coolest thing,” Atturio said. “They don’t care if they play it. They just want to make sure someone takes a picture (of it in space).”

Thursday
14Aug2008

Excused Absences

why did the doctor excuse her from the absences?  

why can’t I breathe    
why am I still breathing?  

why didn’t we stay married?  why didn’t we stay in Hanover?  

why didn’t I homeschool her?  why did she sit in that seat?  why didn’t she leave 5 seconds earlier?  why didn’t she leave 1 second later?  why didn’t the red light change ½ second sooner?  why did Mary Hall have to drive that direction?  

why didn’t I get her a Vanilla Frosted donut with colored sprinkles that morning… with an iced vanilla hazlenut extra light with 15 sugars?  why did she have cramps two days before?  why didn’t I call her at school on her cell phone?  why didn’t I send her a text message?  

when she asked me what to do when someone says ‘I love you,’ way too soon why didn’t I tell her to run away and fast?  why did I suggest that she entertain someone like this?  why did I like the girl?  

why didn’t Mike Beaudet leave me alone?  why wasn’t she born 3 seconds earlier?  why didn’t I make her pitch for Hingham?  why didn’t I know about all the days she was getting rides home?  why didn’t I let her in cars with friends?  why didn’t that matter?  why wasn’t it windier that morning?  

why did I think having a career was good? why didn’t I stay put?  why did I work so much?  why did that become important?  why didn’t I let her use the good shampoo and conditioner?

why didn’t we play Scrabble the night before?  why did I lend her the book ‘Middlesex?”  why did I give her $20?  why did she leave me the sweet note saying ‘thanks for the dough, Mom. <3’?  why did she make the bed that morning?  why did she clean her room and organize and redo it the week before?  

why didn’t I rescue you from being lonely? why did I think there would always be so much time ahead of us to make that 15th year make sense?  why did I know I could always dry your sweet beautiful tears?  why did I let you go?  why didn’t I listen to you?  why didn’t people listen to me?

why do rocks have order and shape and sense?  why do puddles care to hold reflections?  why do dogs love so much?  why do we think rainbows are so special?  why do we live in square, sharp houses?  

why was it OK to leave class?  why did you think having all your absences wiped clean would make leaving OK?  why did you give away your power to decide?  why did you want to die?  why do I know why I want to?

why did I sometimes leave you in sadness?  why did I think I would be there enough later?  why didn’t we go to Atlantis down the water slides?  why didn’t I take you to Water Country in early May?  

why didn’t we just move to where you liked it better?  why did the world have to make it so hard for you to have the Mom you had those last months?  why didn’t they know you would die since they seemed to know everything else?  why did they take my time from you?  why did I let them have it?  why did I think it was important to fight?

why did I just find the little pencil drawing you did two days ago?  why did I know how to read the words you wrote that said, “drowning in oceans of regret – this is so terrible and I will not forget.”

why did you watch the 700 club when you were 7?  why did you pray and cross yourself?  why did you draw angels escorting hearts away from the earth before you died?  why did you write in blood on May 15th that it was so close to the end? why did you believe in God?

why you? why not?

Monday
19May2008

The Equivalent

The equivalent level of pain in an unremitting illness or injury would be enough to kill the organism.  The organs in each system would slowly give in, allowing the person to slip bit by bit into hazy relief.  Crueler than any cancer, disfiguring wounds or organ disintegration, this homeless malice reveals no chance of recovery, regaining, coming back, looking forward.  

We are different, from the rest and also from each other.  I belong to the group of mothers with missing cells now deadened under pounds of dirt or a furnace fire.  Their cells still swarm in us, pieces of unrequited, aimless love whose talons fall under flightless wings.  Forever denied our place in the food chain, the predator’s prey actually becomes something after the struggle to live is relinquished.

What could the purpose of the lifelong cell exchange with our babies be?  Our tissue, organs, blood and fluid continue as their sanctuary, remaining until old age and death.  My body’s search is a craving, in its hollow chambers the cramps close in on themselves in spirals, finding no floor to rest.  Hers knows no search, her features are erased and the cells I carry for her require the equivalent.

Thursday
15May2008

May 16th 2008

not knowing where you are 

we may never know

it is said to be a sleeping or non-existence

 

nothing is promised here

or even if there is

a somewhere

our human conditions are not likely welcome

 

fairy tales of peace, rest and

castles made of butterly wings 

brushing their delicious elixers

under her sleeping nostrils, 

try to maintain a heavy shadow

over darker tales

where there comes no rest

no breath and no peace

 

a mother must know

beyond all else

that her own flesh, once

severed

remains somehow

somewhere 

 

Thursday
25Oct2007

It is Unlike Any Other

The death of one’s child is unlike any other loss.

 

I apologize too for being insensitive.  Ahead of time.  And this is not directed towards any one person.  It is a general statement coming from where I am right now.  The efforts to understand, to “be there,” to empathize, must be exasperating. I say this because there is not always a relief of pain.  Love does not equal less pain in this instance.  That sucks.  For all of us.  Please know that losing a child is not at all like losing anyone else.  No.. grief is not grief no matter what… be it a spouse, sibling, parent, best friend.  I am asked countless times to “join” in other types of pain and this comes from absolute goodness and care. I know it does.  I sound awful and do not mean to.

 

Sunday
21Oct2007

Thankful for This Person

September 2006 

Louise…hope you and Torri’s father are doing ok, as I told
you before I did say a prayer for Torri while I was with her
and she was not in any pain. I don’t know the grief you are
going through…but I can certainly imagine it and I hope
things get easier for you.

God Bless you,  D.

 

November 2006 

Dear D

I would like to say thank you.  For your prayers.  Your
kindness, and gentleness.  I think about your words here
every day because as bad as it is, if she did not know any pain or fear…
it is, well, different.  I wish I could have been there with her.  I feel
so sad that so many unknown people might have seen/touched her
(beside you), and that there are things I don’t know or understand.
I so wish to know her laughter or her fear or her scream or her
whisper before she left.  I so want to know why she died.

You are in my prayers.  Every day.

Lucy Wightman

 

November 2006

Hi Lucy…how are you doing? There is no need for
thanks Lucy all though I do appreciate it!  I looked
at your daughter and thought of what I would want
someone there to do if my daughter was there.I don’t
know your loss although I can imagine it and I know
how I would feel if this happened to me. I worry about
it every day and make my kids call me whenever they go
some where and when ever their leaving to come home or
when they get back to school. Unfortunately it’s an
obsession with me but when you see things that happen
that’s how you become because your more aware of what
goes on everyday out there.
I don’t even ask them to go out and get milk or tell
them what time they should head back to school for
fear that if something ever happened, that if I just
had them wait one minute before they left or didn’t
ask them to do something that the terrible thing that
I fear, would not have happened. This is how I felt
ever since the oldest got her license and then
continued. It came time that I just had to convince myself that no matter how
much worrying I did and how many times I had them call
me to tell me where they were, that nothing was going
to change anything that happened to them whether I was
there or not or whether I knew where they were on the
road..what is going to happen is going to happen, I
have no control over it and can’t change anything. I
just pray that they out live me but I have no control
over that either the person upstairs does.
Lucy, I do truly believe, from years of doing this
that Torri did not feel any pain.
I don’t believe there was any fear or scream because
it happened to fast.
I know you wish you could have been there and I know
that you wish you could change places with her,
because that is how I would feel, but God did not want
it that way and I can’t answer as to why that is, why
things happen the way that they do…I think Torri
would not want you to be sad, even though that’s easy
for me to say but I think of it like if I was to die
tomorrow what would I want my kids to do and how would
I want them to feel and act and live their lives…I
would want them to remember me and love me but I would
not want them to obsess with my death and to not live
the life that they have. I also believe that’s how
they feel if something should happen to them..they
would not want their mother and I to not live the life
that we still have. I think Torri is up there looking
down probably saying the same thing.
If there is something about that day Lucy that I can
answer for you I will if I can.

Hang in there Lucy…. for Torri

D
 

Saturday
20Oct2007

We Mothers

 
None of you know unless you are a mother whose cells have been ripped from their evolutionary purpose.  You all move on because yes life goes on.  It must.  Those who are left behind have different reasons, if reason can be the proper word here, and there is an unsaid requirement to applaud the moving on of the masses.  Your purpose has served itself until inside out and the returns coming from us diminish more than we will allow you to see.  We do not want you to feel helpless even though our strangulation does not end.  You matter, and it is not about that.

It is about the bloody, messy clot at the center of the pump filled with something heavier than tungsten and hotter than the sun.  It will swell, ache and burst countless times with no equation in mind for there is no balance to what has been done.  If A equals pain and B equals love and support and C equals prognosis, then A plus B equals C?  Nope.  The spongy tumor of heart muscle is knotted; glistening while it loses vitality, dulling as it heals over to shrink back into itself. 

The masquerade is not meant to be in vain; rather it is a giving and natural act to protect you, and us.  I have nothing at all to offer until I am some kind of fossil baking in the heat, a reminder of things past, if you are lucky enough to get there.  Then you can congratulate yourself for housing nothing but silky blood and free flowing heart valves.  You will have escaped what is possible, but then again, so have I.

Monday
27Aug2007

Basic Needs

It comes from no predictable place.  Otherwise it would be avoided, detoured. prepared for in advance.  One could look at its equation and come to know the variables.  The missing of her just takes my face in its hands and grips it until it turns numb and frozen.  The pleadings of a childless mother are possibly the craziest of the desperate.  Those starving beg for food, the cold cry for warmth, the pained writhe in hope of relief and the lonely stare upwards in their own private longing.  Each prayer could result in success, some good fortune, a break.  The mother who looks for her dead child is doomed.  Just as food, shelter, alleviation from pain and human connection are requirements for physical sustenance, so is a mother’s drive to raise her child and protect it from harm.  Once this option is killed, where do we go?  Once we cannot find that which comes from our cells we lose ourselves.

Friday
24Aug2007

Recent Reflections on My Grief

Before Torri’s death, my dear and wonderful friend John M. sent me the book about St. John of the Cross.  In my naivete, I believed I was in it,   Or I tried to put myself in it so that I could find meaning in being stalked, ostracized and exposed in the media.  I wanted it to be over, not so much for me, but for my daughter, Torri.  I felt her freedom so compromised and her adolescnce so complicated by that which I could not control.

The dark night of the soul did finally arrive at 2:30 pm, Tuesday, May 16, 2006.  It was delivered by the Norwell Police Chief and Detective Clark, their four open palms toward me, walking in slow motion as I backed into the hall corner and lost my legs.

what if the dark night is sacred?
Our journey begins in brilliant darkness
Endure the night
We walk by faith not be sight

View of Toledo by El Greco
Toledo prison
Mary Magdalen - Donatello

I am deeply grieved, even to death; remain here, and stay awake with me – Matthew 26:38

Wait with me a while and let suffering do its work without rushing it along for your own comfort

The Silver Chair – CS Lewis
“first remember, remember, remember the signs.  Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night.  And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs.  And secondly, I give you a warning… as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken… the signs which you have learned here will not look as you expect them to look, when you meet them there.  That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances.  Remember the signs and believe the signs.  Nothing else matters.”


Grief

Just when I think I cannot bear it, something always happens that gives me strength… you, your words, your actions… something I do for someone else… the puffs of air coming across the bay…

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved within you and try to love the questions.  The point is to live everything.  Do not seek answers that cannot be lived, but love the questions, and perhaps without knowing it you will live your way into the answers.”
Rainer Maria Rilke

The word bereavement means to “be torn apart,” and grief is the dynamic process of learning to live again.

“In grief nothing says ‘stay put.’  One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.  Round and round.  Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?”
C.S. Lewis

Accepting the reality
Coming more and more out of numbness and feeling
Recreating the person in memory
Adjusting to life without her being here
Finding new meaning in life

My questions of how she died need to be answered.  This is how I will come further into acceptance.  “The pursuit of truth especially joins us to God,” said St. Thomas Aquinas.  The why is also a protest, my helplessness and my pain.  My what ifs need to be reconciled. 

“I believe though I do not comprehend, and I hold by faith what I cannot grasp with the mind.”  St. Bernard of Clairvaux