November 28 2007

Oh Bean..

She is right.  Here, on this site, it is true that I am misrepresenting myself falsely.   For the first time ever in my life I have a false front. 

It was once thick and rock solid, attached with safety pins and rubber cement, sewn tight by fishing line and dental floss so tough it could have towed a small boat.  It had pockets on both sides - the front pockets carried cue cards of how to be “happy,” or how to look like I was “having fun.”  The inside pockets I stuffed with quotes of faith and reason and hope offerred by people who love me, us.  It was nothing anyone needed to see but me.  The pockets have been turned inside out or soaked with tears.  They are empty.  Out I go with a the thinnest veil I dye each and every night a different color to match that of the world’s expecatations, or what I think they are. 

I falsely misrepresent myself because honestly I could not enter the world at all if I did not.  Who wants to look at that?  It is unacceptable to feel so sorry.  For oneself or circumstances.  I am tired and I say every night how I cannot do this anymore.  I ask God to let me go.  Clear snot pours out of my nose and the salt from my face is on my pillow every morning.   I am the definition of self-pity.  I look as though I can go on, as though I care to.  I cannot. I appear strong and “better.”  I am a big fake Booze.  I want this to be over.  I want the pain to kill me. 

Your words are haunting now… the words you, as a brave and loving 15 year old posted on this blog.

1. B.Z. Says:
   October 15th, 2005 at 6:56 pm

   I recently came across this blog, and I felt that I should share my thoughts.

   I know Lucy personally, and there is no need to say if I am a patient or not.

   I think that these charges are ridiculous. I bet that if the Fox 25 Episode didn’t air, none of this would be happening. Lucy would be continuing to help her patients as she helps me. Personally, I don’t give a shit if My therapist is licensed. I do care that she has some experience and knows what she is talking about. Lucy went to many years of school, studying Psychology and the way the mind works. She is always there for me, and she is one of the kindest and caring people I know.

   It makes me cry, thinking of how all of this is affecting her. Not because of business, but emotionally as well. This is a human being we are dealing with. Who dedicated her life to helping the lives of others. Who spent hours and hours every single day, trying to figure out and help treat the issues that others were trying to overcome. It is truly amazing how she did all of that, while at the same time having a life and family of her own.

   I understand, how people who do not know her can assume what they read is all there is to this story. But I ask you all, do you remember high school, and rumors and gossip. This is exactly like that. Hey, some of it may be true, but what about the other sides of the story. Give her a chance to speak her side. There are so many cases out there, that turn out to be false. And the suspects remain innocent. And even cases where the suspects are charged, convicted, and punished, for crimes that they did not do.

   No matter what happens, I will stand by Lucy through all of this, because she stood by me when things weren’t going well for me. I know you can get through this Lucy. I know you can. You are such a good person and I want to thank you for still standing up for yourself. In the end, I hope everything turns out well. You don’t deserve this at all.

   Stay strong and don’t give up.

   B.Z. Says:
   October 17th, 2005 at 3:55 pm

   All I really have left to say is, Imagine being in Lucy’s position right now. All the stuff she is having to deal with. It is amazing how she keeps it all together. In my opinion, if this was all a lie, she wouldn’t be fighting this hard to gain her respect back. It makes me happy to see that some of the people in here are supporting her 100 %.

   And your response to the same person (s) that are now leaving comments here… 

   B.Z. Says:
   October 20th, 2005 at 4:58 pm

   Carole must be a pretty heartless bitch to write something so terrible. If she even knew how much time and money Lucy put into helping other people, it would be a smack in her face.

   Sure, she made a small mistake in naming her company. BIG DEAL. And who are you to say that she is a heartless criminal?

   You have no idea lady. NO idea. I know her enough to say that she has put everything into her work. And it wasn’t even all for the money either. She enjoyed making other people happy. She spent her own money buying games, testing materials, furniture, and unnescessary materials that added to the joy in being in her building.

   It wasn’t a scam. At all. She took a lot of time out of her life to study and get her phd. Whether some of you believe that it is real or not, she has it. I can’t believe you (Carole) could say such mean words.

   Grow up! Oh my god she was a stripper!! Wow let’s make a huge deal out of it. She had a nice body & pretty face. Just because you might not doesn’t mean you have to make fun of her for it. It has NO relation to this case. It’s history. past. We shouldn’t be living in the past.

   If you saw Lucy, and didn’t recieve the help you needed, you should’ve left. And what kind of pain did she cause people huh? I understand a small amount from people seeing the news story and hearing about her past and that she is not licensed. Not, as you put it “terrible pain and torture.” But she didn’t tell people she was licensed. How could you say that she deserves jail time for that? She has a family and life too. You are acting like the victim Carole, but your cruelty is just sickening.

   How do you think her daughter and rest of her family feels about all of this. And if her daughter ever came across this blog, which im not doubting she has, I’m sure it made her feel even better. Lucy has been through enough already. And if you knew her as well as I did, you would understand that.

   And lastly, I can’t believe you called HER mean. Read over what you wrote and tell me who is the mean one.

   Lucy, Stay strong in this you have my support

   B.Z. Says:
   October 20th, 2005 at 6:49 pm

   I just watched the news and Lucy, you’re suit looked very nice!

   You looked so sad though. I hate that you have to go through this.

   And in response to again the same person (s) who wrote “

   I do feel sorry for her daughter, but Lucy should have thought about that when she passed herself off as something she was not. What kind of mother would jeopordize her kid’s happiness and security like that anyway?

   A very bad mother in my book”

   B.Z. Says:
   October 20th, 2005 at 7:56 pm

   Well, I love how you are comparing her to a terrorist. That is very classy, shows how intelligent you are.

   And No, she did not pay me. Apparently we differ in our opinions of the word “friend”. I am her friend, but she doesn’t pay me for it.

   And you shouldn’t be so sure that her PhD isn’t accepted until the trial.

   I’m not blaming her “victims”. I am saying that no one seemed to have a problem with her until money was involved. And if they didn’t like her treatments then they shouldn’t of continued with her. It seems that More patients are with her than against her. If the media wasn’t involved, I’m sure things would be different. If she was never a stripper, there would’ve never even been a story. Every headline says something involving that.

   How is spending 7 years or more in college studying Psychology not real school? She did the work. And she has proof. You just wait and see.

   And also, I understand the legal portion of this. The trial will determine the verdict of that. In my opinion, she has plenty of proof of her education and she will be just fine in the end.

   And this isn’t a support group. Ken posted the story, it wasn’t a very opinionated story either. It was basically what was on the news. And now people are sharing their comments.

   Well lets see, if she was a con artist and supposedly stealing peoples money, then why would she be a person with “little money”. That doesn’t seem to fit very well. Oh hey, maybe it’s because she wasn’t conning anybody and she spent a lot of her profit on things for her office. Who would go through all those years of school and all that money renting out an office and buying things for it in order to scam people? That seems pretty pointless.

   As for misrepresentation, From the years I have known her, she has told me she was not licensed. And that there was not that much of a point in doing that. As long as her patients knew she had completed her education and obtained a phD, they would know she was as educated as they expected.

   I saw Lucy and her daughter recently and she is behind her mom the whole way. So don’t even try and call her a bad mother. Why don’t you figure out your own life before you critcize someone elses. You obviously need something fixed because you are COLD.

   B.Z. Says:
   October 21st, 2005 at 8:20 am

   I understand Carole is angry, but I have no sympathy for someone who can’t even look at the story from a different perspective.

2. 
   

October 19th I think

My Daughter…

Please help my mind be less stubborn.  I am so tired.  Someone is home coming queen tonight.  I stay happy for that.  And then my heart breaks again.  I love you.  Please come see me Booze..

I love you 

Mom 

The Cemetary of Close Calls

Dear Boozarama

I am so grateful to have this place to come to.  Without it I would be so far away from appreciating all that you mean to me.  I would have so many more regrets.  That was an awful day… you know… in May when they told me you were dead in a car somewhere.  It all came crashing in, all our mistakes, our selfish decisions, the times we made promises and failed to keep them.. knowing I could never hold you again.

I am so relieved and glad now.  That day really changed me, and Dad, and a lot of people.  I could not go on in a world where you weren’t, yet I never ever told you this because I took for granted you would be here.  I wonder if other people in this Cemetary of Close Calls have to suffer in that kind of pain, thinking their child is dead for longer than that nanosecond I did.  I think if they actually let my heart break, yes, not only would words fall into it, but that would have been my cause of death, and I would not be associated to the Cemetary of Close Calls.  I must have been getting pretty cocky and cavalier to end up visiting here.

Without it though nothing would have changed.  

I was so wrapped up in useless concerns… the indictments… being followed… that Terry Lynn guy… Mike Beaudet… that there was little time for what really mattered - YOU.  If I had lost you without the chance to try and make up to all of my mistakes and moments where I was disconnected from my heart with you how could I go on breathing?  Maybe people who really lose children in death are different.  I was so self-absorbed.  I could not protect you when I could not protect myself.  Now we have a whole lifetime together during which, if it is OK with you, we can laugh, fight, make up, and understand.  You will go off on your own, I know, as it should be, and I will be here on earth for you always, until iti s my time to leave, to protect you from everything bad, just like I always have.

I know we cannot reunite until the folks at The Cemetary of Close Calls see and feel the changes in me.  Please take care of yourself and know I love you, more, most best… infinity and beyond 

Update on 10.20.2007 by Lucy Wightman

HAD THIS ONE DAY NOT BEEN

by Emily Dickinson

Had this one Day not been.
Or could it cease to be
How smitten, how superfluous,
Were every other Day!

Lest Love should value less
What Loss would value more
Had it the stricken privilege,
It cherishes before.

Mom

Dear Mother,

It’s Torri.  Obviously.  Don’t look for any answers here because after all you still have a brain to contend with.  You think you are so empathic.  Yeah right.  Not to me.  Imagine this:

You have died and your wonderful and amazing daughter Torri still lives – as it “should” be.  You are able to see how things unfold on earth.  I am not saying I can or you can so put that aside.  Please.  Anyway.  You are able to see a Torribean that is inconsolable, and so filled with pain she wants to die each and every day.  Around her are outstanding and amazing people, like angels really, rallying around Torri to have a life.  They will love her through anything and everything.  Torri knew all along her parents would likely die on her time but that is something to be expected.  It made her terribly nervous, always.  There you are watching Torri unravel her life to the point of no return.  She is not functioning.  She sobs at night.  When she sleeps the death scene of her mother, who she loved so much, plagues her.  Torri just wants to be where her mother is.  The earth is not worth living on without her. 

Mom – really.  How would you feel if you saw this?  I know you.  You would be heartbroken and beyond helpless watching Torri’s life unfold like this.  You would wish for Torri to find a way to belly laugh again, without her Mom.  You would want her to trust that someday both of you would be reunited – obviously.  You would want her to notice all the gifts around her.  Oh my God if you were in my shoes Mom you would be so pissed right now you have no idea.

Mom – please listen to the voice you are not used to.  I know it sounds strange.  I know you can’t hold onto it.  Keep trying.  I am filled with these burning tears for you.  You can’t know “why,” right now.  You are not supposed to.  Your life is so hard and yeah, you have fucked up many times. But Mom, it was so obvious and is so obvious how much you love me.  Duh – if you had known I would go then nothing would change and no lessons would be learned. 

Keep putting things together.  Don’t stop.  Promise me.

It did not hurt.  I was not scared.  I did not know it would happen consciously.  Mom I miss you so much and if you could just stop your heart from breaking you would see and know me still.

I love you Booze.

Goodnight My Bean

We had the most amazing times at night.  Times only for us, no matter what age.  I remember you would call me when you stayed at Dad’s house.  He was sleeping and you were awake so we would talk until you fell asleep.  We had so many routines that changed over the years.  When someone loses a spouse the memories become like little touchstones.  When I lost you the memories have become like fire and razors.

I saw Dad day before yesterday at The Hill.  He and D-E-B were married and I am happy for him, and for her.  He said it was bittersweet.  I asked him where the ring was and he said “You know I don’t wear jewlery.”  Ha… Dad.  We both knew him so well.  You knew me so well.  He says that to cope he talks to you all the time.  When I try this I end up sobbing because you do not answer back.  Maybe this is selfish.  People have had worse tragedies under much worse circumstances yet I cannot seem to move from you and this makes me feel like I am being a baby about it, or not appreciative, or not honoring your life (what life?) etc.  

When I try to sleep I go through so many scenes, mostly in the accident.  My mind automatically does this.  or I think about how Dad and I promised we would never get divorced, and we did, and how it was promised you would never leave Hanover and six months later you did…  All unresolvable.  All circular paths leading nowhere.

Dan is the first friend that has actually spoken a little bit to me about that day.  I am so thankful for him.  He somehow understands how my need to know is so deep.

I have always been honest with you Booze.  No need to stop now.  I am drawn out so thin from the pain.  Keeping it in is the right thing because no one can fix it.  Just me.  or God.  Can you?  All the ways it could have been different, all the times I was less than what you deserved.  

Please answer Dad back when he talks to you.

I love you, please know, please please please make it so you always knew.