Warning: This material contains adult themes and language, and may not be appropriate for children, Lucy’s sensitive friend(s), and men that don’t have a good sense of humor…because it’s all written in good fun. DATING AND MATING By Holly INTRODUCTION As defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary: DATING to have romantic social engagement with MATING 1 to join as a pair 2 to couple in marriage or sexual union Whether you are single by choice or by circumstance, such as death, separation, or divorce, the dating and mating scene is the same for all of us. My point being, whether you are 20, 40, or 80 we are all stuck with the same male gene pool from which to pick from. And, let’s face it girls…sometimes the pickins just aint good! After 3 years of [dating] and over 20 years of marriage [mating] to my ex-husband, for a total of 24 years of never even kissing another man, one day out of the blue I found myself single again. Now in my mid-forties and having been out of the dating arena for nearly a quarter century, I assumed the dating scene would be different. I definitely figured wrong because no matter what, when, or where “boys will always be boys”—and with a few exceptions, I’m convinced that they were put on this earth to f##k us and to drive us crazy, usually in that order. We all have a funny story or two to tell. This book is compiled of true life dating and mating stories of my own, my friends, my family, and some of my competitors. Some of the names and places have been omitted or changed to protect the innocent, specifically the sad and pathetic individuals that are responsible for these stories. I’m starting with my favorite story which was emailed to my by a friend following a “bad” match.com date, and the one that inspired me to write this book. Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share your stories with me for volume II. The Pizza Guy “I can feel it coming in the air tonight, hold on” In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins Last night’s meeting was horrific. As soon as he sat down, I sensed something was not right with this guy. He seemed off….like…he wasn’t all “there” (aka “isn’t dealing with a full deck”) Half way through our pizza he shares with me that he has recently been released from a psych ward where his ex had him committed because she “convinced the police” that he was a psychotic freak and suicidal. He tells me they stormed into the house in the middle of the night while he was sleeping and took him away in handcuffs…and that they were concerned because he is a hunter and has guns in the house. Oh wait….yes, there’s more! Apparently he and his wife are in a huge custody battle over the house and kids and something about his mother who takes care of the kids…he lost me somewhere; so I innocently ask where his ex lives now. Guess what? They still live together. According to him, neither wants to leave as they fear it will jeopardize their chances of getting the house. (Of course his profile states they are divorced, but at this point I wasn’t going to bring anything up that might upset him) Ok, I’m just trying to finish my pizza so I can leave, and I figure I can make conversation about movies and I ask what the last movie was that he saw. He states “What The Bleep Do We know” and goes on to tell me it’s an excellent film that he saw while he was in the “funny farm”. As our “meeting” is coming to a conclusion, he confesses to me that he is terrible with names and asks me what my name is! The Birthday Party Guy “You can’t start a fire without a spark” Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen While I’m talking (which some might consider flirting) with this guy at a kid’s birthday party, the Old-Cow-New-Cow theory, as defined by Laura Zigman in her novel Animal Husbandry pops into my head. For those who have not read this hysterically funny novel, the gist of the theory goes like this: Men are Bulls and women are Cows, and the sad, sorry truth is that men (Bulls) leave women (Cows) and never come back because all they really want is New Cow. When I arrived at the party my neighbor, the birthday kid’s [gorgeous] mom, told me that I looked great, mentioning something about my black top and blonde hair. I thought I looked pretty good too, but I humbly replied “thank you”. And then [half joking and half serious] I asked if there are any single men here? She pitifully replied no, but there will be plenty at their August (Adult) party. I thought to myself that’s two months away, and I don’t think I can wait until then for some attention - or perhaps some meaningless sex. So I resign myself to the fact that I’m not getting lucky tonight - a waste of my expensive new makeup! Although one of the teenage girls told me that my eyes looked pretty…these days I take positive reinforcement from anywhere I can get it! After chatting for a couple of hours with my friends and some other happy-appearing couples, a new “single” Bull arrived at the party. I’m introduced, but there is NO physical attraction for me. We small talk for a little while, and then I had to leave for a short time to drive my daughter somewhere. When I returned, he said that he’d like to take me out to dinner because I’m cute. I feign some interest because we’re the only two single people, I’m trying to believe that looks aren’t everything, and of course I am attention deprived. He told me that he has never been married, no kids, no house, something about a million different jobs, he rides a Harley, and he likes ice cream. Alas, we had something in common, ice cream, but that was it. He then told me that his girlfriend broke up with him, and that she recently called him, but he doesn’t know why because he didn’t call her back. Shortly thereafter, I said goodnight and walked across the street to my barn. The next day while I was out mowing my lawn, not looking quite so cute, he dropped by my house to give me his business card in case I wanted to call him. We small talk a bit more, and he said he heard that I went out for a jog this morning [evidently men talk too or perhaps he was stalking me!]. I then said to him, “it’s really none of my business, but maybe you should give your old girlfriend a call”, what I considered to be a humane hint that I’m not interested. He explained why he couldn’t do that, handed me his card (obviously he didn’t get the hint), and headed across the street to see his friend. I finished mowing the lawn all the while thinking about the mistakes he made… 1. He called me cute which, don’t get me wrong, is a nice compliment, but I want to be told that I’m “drop-dead beautiful” by someone besides my sister. Come on, he could have lied, men are so good at that. 2. He used the term jog…and for anyone that runs regularly like I do, you know that we do not jog, we run. 3. And, Bull made the mistake of telling New Cow that Old Cow contacted him recently…strike three, even though he really never got up to the plate with me! The Fence Guy “Soon the winter will be here, and there’s no one warm to hold” Famous Final Scene by Bob Seger My therapist still chuckles when she recalls the time that I broke up with the fence guy…before I even met him. I had just re-entered the dating world following a broken marriage. I didn’t want to spend all of my weekends hanging out at bars, so I started exploring on-line dating. I joined a popular service for one month and submitted a profile without a photo because I didn’t want to hurt my ex-husband’s feelings … like I should have cared since he left me for the bottle! Anyway, I started receiving some replies. One in particular caught my eye because his profile sounded so sensitive and romantic, e.g., likes to kiss, hold hands in public, treat his lady like a princess—blah, blah, blah. Little did I know at the time (as a novice) that some men exaggerate, no god damn it, they downright lie on their profiles. Something else that I should have been smart enough to realize since my ex was also a chronic liar. Oh well, being lonely and vulnerable I guess one wants to believe that romance still exists. We started corresponding a bit under the safety of our fake profile names, and he said that he owned a local fence company. He asked for my photo, which naturally I complied with, but I didn’t ask for his. I was still grateful that he wrote to me initially without seeing a photo [I know this doesn’t say much for my self esteem, which was at an all time low]. After viewing my photo he wanted to meet me and provided his regular email address and cell phone number. The next day I called him on his cell phone, but he was busy with a customer and said he would call me back later. I liked his voice, it sounded strong. When he called me back, it was a couple of hours later and he apologized because he said he was with his daughter (at work), and he doesn’t talk to women in front of his “kid”. Was he trying to hide something from the kid, or maybe mom? He actually had five kids, a bit overwhelming to my one! He then spent quite a while talking disparagingly about his wife (I guess she was a wicked step sister and not a princess!). According to him, she has never been the same since she got out of the psychiatric hospital. His earlier strong voice had changed quickly to whiney and annoying. We were talking on a Thursday, and he vehemently stated that Thursdays and Saturdays are his nights out. I casually asked what he meant by that, and he replied MY nights out, e.g., go out for a few beers with the guys, or go for a ride on his motorcycle (a Harley, of course). What is it about middle aged men and Harleys? I guess it’s the equivalent of our (the women’s) mid-life car, such as the Lexus, Audi, BMW, etc. What these guys don’t understand is that we spend far too much time and money on our hair to want to put it under a helmet. In any event, between five kids and two nights out a week playing with the boys, this guy was obviously not going to have enough time to treat me like “a princess”. I sent him a “Dear John” email message saying that his plate is pretty full right now with his kids, etc., and I thought that’s where his priorities should be. He must have taken it OK (or really couldn’t argue the point), because I never heard back. At my next session, I told my therapist that I broke up with the fence guy, to which she was amused because the two of us never met. I still think it counted as a “break up” initiated by me for the first time, but perhaps not the last time. I’m done being the one getting hurt…it’s going to be all about ME from now on! So there. | 
01.6.2008 
