Monday
Sep092013

The New Yorker, September 9th, Ian Frazier

CLAIM: When we are at the mall you say that you have walked so much that you need to be carried, because your legs are “all stretched out.”

FACT: While hyperextension of muscles, tendons, and joints is a real and serious problem among certain demographics (manual laborers, professional athletes), it is rarely seen in anyone four and a half years old.

CLAIM: Walking backward is better than walking forward.

FACT: Traditionally, human beings have walked forward rather than backward because their eyes are on the front of them and therefore can look ahead and help them see where they are going. Walking backward, as you are doing now, increases the likelihood that you will—O.K., maybe now you understand what I am trying to tell you, because you have walked backward into that lady.

CLAIM: Holding your wrists and hands up inside the sleeves of your jacket and flapping the sleeve ends back and forth when you walk somehow improves your walking, and makes you look like an elephant.

FACT: Flapping your sleeves does nothing for your walking and makes it harder for me to grab your hand when you are about to veer into a video-game store where we are not going. An elephant does not flap its trunk when it walks, and, in any case, it has only one of them.

CLAIM: Skipping is faster than running.

FACT: I hate to break this to you, but skipping is actually not faster than running. It is slower. Scientists have done tests to prove this. The problem involves the added friction of the soles of the feet in the characteristic skipping motion. I know your own skipping is “special” skipping, with that extra hop that you have added in, but otherwise it is physically the same as conventional, ordinary skipping, and subject to the same laws.

CLAIM: Pressing yourself flat against the counter by the cash register, extending your arms full length, and sliding along the counter and then along the wall and then along the door until someone opens the door from the outside and you tumble out onto the sidewalk is a good way to leave a restaurant.

FACT: Look at your mother. Look at me. Look at every other human being in the world. Do we plaster ourselves against the wall and slide along it when we leave a restaurant? Why do you think nobody else does that? I don’t care if Billy Nolan does it. Nobody in his right mind does it because it is not a good way to leave a restaurant. There is a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and sliding along flat surfaces in restaurants is generally not the right way to do anything.

CLAIM: Running very fast in circles around my legs while we are waiting for your mother by the baggage claim will hurry her arrival.

FACT: That is incorrect. There is no connection between your running and the plane that will make the plane land faster. Did you hear what I just said?

CLAIM: With the new pogo stick that your aunt gave you, you will jump over trees and houses.

FACT: No, you will not. What pogo sticks are actually good for is this: bouncing two inches off the ground once or maybe twice, and then falling over. That is it. Pogo sticks are a swindle. In the history of the world, no one has ever jumped over a house on a pogo stick. Or a tree. Or a car. Even a small car. O.K., yes—maybe a toy car. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. You are saying that you will go out on the driveway with your pogo stick and jump over the house, and I am saying that you will go out, get on the pogo stick, bounce once or twice, and end up still on the driveway, only with a skinned knee and screaming your head off. In this you will exactly resemble every other human who has ever attempted such a feat since the invention of the pogo stick. Your aunt gives you these things to torture me, like that life-size Earth First stuffed toy polar bear that now takes up half the living room.

CLAIM: If you’re not supposed to walk backward, what about walking sideways?

FACT: No. And watch where you’re going. You walked into my foot.

CLAIM: How about walking like this?

FACT: Just walk normally.

CLAIM: This is walking normally, for a primate.

FACT: Walk normally for a human.

CLAIM: Mrs. Varma said a human is a primate.

FACT: Yes, that is true, and just please walk normally, all right?

CLAIM: The stroller with your little sister in it will be easier for me to push if you help by pulling it from the front while singing, “Yo-ee-o, yoe, hup!”

FACT: No. Please. Stop that. 



Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2013/09/09/130909sh_shouts_frazier?printable=true&currentPage=all#ixzz2ePHtLCjj

Monday
Mar252013

the third most common greeting

It is the third most common greeting, behind ‘hello/hi’ and ‘how are you.?

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Thursday
Dec082011

Writing from within a hamster ball

Writing a book is hard business.  Every morning I get to it, often just tapping out one or two sentences before closing the file.  Then, days like today, I can go off on dozens of forgotten tangents before deciding to get back to what make some more immediate money.

It’s like reaching out through a giant hamster ball.  I can say this with confidence rather than rely on imagination because I was actually inside of a hamster ball.  Look, here, I’ll prove it.

 

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Sunday
Sep112011

The mighty i

 

I am an over user of Pronoun I and have jud

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Monday
Jan032011

2011

Hello.  I have missed you.  So many events are back there it feels too difficult to organize them into a neat summary right now.  I am relearning some important things that I lost like reading and writing.  It is going well, well enough that I intend to practice more here.

I have been going through old posts and tagging them before republishing them.  I was told that this would be a good “brain exercise,” and it is!  I can tell by the way it tires out my head in a fuzzy way.

Within that project, I am placing all the spits of land called “pages” back into one place.  Somehow I went on

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Thursday
Oct212010

Forced to be Frugal and Self-Sufficient: Tip #1

How to get a cup of coffee when you lost your brakes so you have no car and your coffee machine broke.

Prepare the cash you need to purchase cup of coffee and place it, folded in your pants pocket. Also prepare your route so you are free to balance your coffee cup after mounting said bicycle.

Search the sky for any ominous cloud formations and don appropriate Gortex if needed.

Following your purchase, take several large gulps of coffee to decrease the liquid volume by 30%. DO NOT place cup in water holder or balance on seat of two-wheeler.

  

 

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Wednesday
Oct132010

33 Miners and Our Journalists

To All the Anchors Reporting on the 33 Chilean Miners:

 

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Tuesday
Sep282010

Maybe the Goose is in the Wind

 

The sopping, swollen wind is a constant drive today, heated from the friction of its own movement.  Although it does not belong in the seasonal cold, I am grateful for its balmy feel, and then reminded of months to come when it will bite notches from my skin, unless I escape, migrate or beam up.

 

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Thursday
Sep232010

The Wheel Instructomercial 

 

For those of you who are already yoga aficionados like my friend Kelly, this will seem like a trivial waste of space. This is commonly called “the wheel,” or the urdhva-dhanurasana.   If you say it fast enough and don’t really know how to pronounce it, spit out an odd number of ‘asa’ noises and you will sound impressive.

 

I suggest attempting this posture without a spotter, with absolutely nobody at home, even your dogs.  They might stare at you while you attempt this feat.

First, place your gripper gloves in front of you, by your bare feet. Attempt

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Wednesday
Sep152010

BCC Me

 

I got one of those giant group emails recently.  It was a story I heard in the past many times over.  I think it might be in one of the Chicken Soup books. 

When I received it I was told that it was ‘National Friendship Week,’ and that the writer believes “God puts people in our lives for many reasons but especially for friendship.” And “Friends are angels bluh bluh bluh…

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Monday
Sep132010

Under the Spell of the Demiurge

 

 

Hello.  My name is Lucy.  Lucy Wightman.  Not Whiteman.  Wightman.  My real name is Louise.  My original last name is Johnson. I am 51 years old last I checked, and for now I live in Hull, Massachusetts. I was many things. 

This may be the only thing I write, or not.   A blog is supposed to have some purpose, niche or focus.  I can’t find one, yet.  That is why I have so many pages on this site, pieces of someone I called me.  After a while, the

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Wednesday
Aug112010

Blog, Flog and Log

“BlogHer.”  That is catchy.  My mind immediately jumps to “FlogHer,” “LogHer,” and “BangHer.”

Today in AdAge there was a report on the BlogHer Conference in New York.

Billed for the “tech-savvy” woman, it had “record attendance.” 

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Friday
Aug062010

Random Googling

I Googled “kicked out of Mensa,” and found little.  One sight was a malware loading site, ready to tantalize me with anti-spyware protection.  

It appears that either no one has been tossed from Mensa, or, given my compromised state; I cannot find the incidents on an Internet search. 

 

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Thursday
Jul152010

Mark Morris and Bayes Theorum

So yeah, I emailed Mark Morris today. He is a choreographer I briefly knew before he became famous.  He composes based on the music.  “Music,” he says, “is more direct than words.”  He is authentic, and it seems always in that “no bullshit-mode.” (per Maria)  While he made noises back about being interested in an idea I had, and agreed to meet me after one of his Boston shows, it was ethers.  Back in the day, I gave him what he wanted though.

After spending time with my extended family in the most

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Friday
Jun252010

Canadian Earthquake and How Animals Do Strange Things

Where Were You When the Earthquake Happened?

Thinking we are impervious to the tectonic shifts and ruptures that hold the lives of West Coasters hostage is only a matter of education.  On Wednesday, June 23rd, a 5.0 magnitude earthquake emanating from the Ontario/Quebec borderlands was felt as far away as Ohio

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Thursday
Jun242010

The Meaning of an Internet Connection


And how to manage it with good guidance!  Comments only remain.

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Thursday
Jun172010

Chester & Gender Roles

 

Not knowing the difference between a male and female house sparrow is yet another acceptable predicament I find myself in.  Therefore, I call all sparrows within a 20-foot radius, ‘Chester.’ 

One sparrow found protection from the winter winds on the eaves of the porch.  I learned how sparrows roost in streetlights to stay warm, and mate for life.   Imagine

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Thursday
Jun102010

Anderson Cooper, Calliope Music and Mosquito Eaters

  

OK so I am watching Anderson Cooper who is speaking with a Rep about the oil spill video.  It is playing in the background, this plume of brown sludge billowing out of a gaping hole.  Every time the audio cuts to Cooper, calliope music plays.  Is this something tha

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Sunday
May302010

Imitation Superheroes and Crocs

 

Saturday on Memorial Day weekend is a busy time.  People become bumper cars in garden centers and hardware stores.   I appreciate holidays where stores are open and I can avoid the obvious holiday gaps.

Since working my ass off all week as a “landscaper’s assistant” (no license required – yet), it was time to pick off the tics and get to my own garden.  I planned a free-floating time after blogging about homophobia on Pastor Will Green’s site and the obligatory hoof to Lowe’s for those yearly throwaway porch shades.  But wait! I still needed Crocs, and there was a CVS.

 

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Monday
Mar152010

We are NOT Going to Discuss Rain, Only Centipedes

I have spent some time cleaning out a garage.  Nothing like a boatload of spiders hiding under their individual leaves.  As long as there are no damn centipedes.  At least spiders make a failry predictable path, unlike the centipede, whose movements are like the Queen on a chess board, only in quadruple fast forward speed.

Centipedes look different at night.  See that stout, cigar shaped lint over there?  Boo! It is really a centipede

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